A Primate Dating Primer: Lessons on Love

bonobos_2702691cScientists often extrapolate their research on animals and apply it to explaining human behavior. We share 98 percent of our DNA with them but more importantly, animals often seem to know what’s up long before we figure it out. And with that in mind, I proudly present: A Primate Dating Primer.

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung!

Dress Sexy

Wear something alluring – preferably red – as it attracts males…but also distracts them so you to have sex with multiple partners. When ovulating, many species of female primates experience genital swelling and coloration that tells males they are ready to mate. Sometimes males get possessive and exhibit “mate guarding” behaviors while the female’s genitals are swollen. However, he backs off when she’s no longer ovulating, and she can then mate with other males in order to confuse paternity.

Tease your intended mate by waving your rear end in his face and slowly circling him. It will drive him wild.

Throw Rocks At Him

Chucking a rock at your suitors head tells him you’re ready to get it on. Female capuchins throw stones at potential mates as a form of flirtation. Unlike other monkeys, female capuchins do not have any external indicators to show when they’re ready to mate, such as brightly colored, swollen genitals or strong smelling odors. So the ladies resort to flirtatious behavior. They start by whining, pulling faces and following potential mates around. But the males wait until they’re really sure – which apparently takes a rock to the head. 

Sing Your Love

Siamang gibbons sing and swing in tandem in the trees with their partners to demonstrate their lifelong commitment to each other. Doing so shows their coordination (health) and marks their territory. So go ahead, announce your love at the next karaoke night. 7238-funny-monkey-sexy-pose-in-zoo-29-monkeys-posing-like-chicks-wallpaper-600x751

Douse Yourself in Urine

A little urine is the perfect perfume. Male monkeys urinate into their hand and then vigorously rub it into their feet and hindquarters after a lady shows a little interest in them. It’s like the young high schooler who discovers girls and suddenly starts wearing axe body spray. The smell provides chemical information to the females about their sexual or social status, including their amount of testosterone. Careful not to overdo it though – too much Axe leads to hospitalization.

Pick At Her Hair

Paying attention to a lady is more likely to get you laid. Male chimpanzees who spent time grooming females and sharing their food with them were significantly more likely to mate with them. The best way to ensure you get your girl pregnant is to pair off with her and be exclusive, at least temporarily (known as consortships).

Be Bitchy

Don’t let another female get you down. Female chimpanzees are more aggressive and apologize less with each other than they do with males. With the guys, they use more signals for greeting and submission. Males don’t change their communication signals.

funny-ladiesmonkekPipe Down

Keep the chitchat to a minimum. Macaques, one of the most vocal primates, use short calls more often than lengthier vocalizations. It saves time and energy, and avoids drawing too much attention from predators.

Hug It Out

The most socially and emotionally “competent” young bonobos are more likely to cuddle other apes to comfort them when they were in distress. In return, those huggy bonobos were more likely to recover quickly from an upsetting experience, such as a fight. Hugging helps regulate and manage emotions. The bonobos learned the hugging behavior from their mothers and were more emotionally adjusted than orphaned chimps.

Have Sex, Then Share

Sharing is necessary for survival. Chimps will naturally lean toward sharing food equally with other chimps. If you come upon a lot of food and are a little uncomfortable with sharing, have a lot of communal sex. That’s what bonobos will decrease tension and encourage peaceful feeding.


Know when to sit back and take a load off. Japanese macaques are renown for relaxing in natural hot springs. This is the same species where females select male partners based on how attractiveness instead of dominance. So find a hot tube and a hottie.



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