Pets are Cockblockers

I got a new dog the other day. It wasn’t my choice. He’s a big black “lab” (yeah right, he has at least a little pit bull), slobbers, cowers in fear of EVERYTHING, and occasionally gets aroused from belly rubs making it really awkward, really fast. He also smells strongly of nachos. Meet George.

George and Cuppy

My new black lab, George. That’s Cuppy, my Chihuahua, sitting behind him. She called dibs on him almost immediately.

Let’s be honest here – with a cat and a Chihuahua already, I’d pretty much punched the crazy cat lady card. But George is going to ensure I’m truly single forever. See, George is terrified of men. TERRIFIED. He barks fiercely if they’re far away and cowers in fear or runs away if they’re anywhere close. I found this out the hard way.

George is terrified to leave the house. If I even open the front door he hits the ground and becomes 70 lbs of trembling terror. The Chihuahua and I were both going nuts being cooped up with a high energy lab, so I decided George was going for a walk whether he liked it or not. I picked up his 70 lbs of dead weight by the harness handle and proceeded to drag him out to the front porch. It took a few tries as he kept slipping out of the harness. The Chihuahua barked at us in encouragement and ran around us. She knows how to stay on sidewalks and so doesn’t need a leash. There was no way I could handle both of them at the same time anyway.

I manage to drag George off the front porch and through the front gate. At that point he started walking of his own accord and pulled me rapidly forward. Ok, this is good! I meanwhile am in ratty sweatpants, pink crocs and no makeup as I’d been working in the backyard all afternoon. Didn’t anticipate really seeing anyone, so no worries.

We get three houses down. The house we were passing had the garage door open and two REALLY hot guys are in the driveway. Right as we walk by (me trying to suck in my stomach and restrain George), one of them turns on a vacuum. George immediately hits the grass. I crouch down to reassure him. Right as I’m mid-descent down to him, he jumps up, wheels around, and takes off for home. Still in the process of crouching down, I’m yanked off my feet, my hair swipes into my face and a pink Croc goes flying off. Cuppy (the Chihuahua) takes off after George, thinking he’s playing, and is barking and biting at his ankles. I’m trying to gently yell (try that sometime – impossible) to George to slow down and Cuppy to stop and pull him so I can retrieve the shoe. The guys are calling out in concern to see if we’re ok as I’m dragged quickly away, one show left behind on their grass.

George didn’t stop until we were back home. So much for a good first impression with the hot neighbors! Ack!


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